[redmond rose] This lady really wants to help Bill Gates… ‘My Angel want’s Bill Gates to leave Microsoft. He is trying to protect you Bill. He want me to help you, but I need to get paid. Remember when I did the satellite research for you? I am just the porthole–the messenger. He doesn’t like the company and friends you keep. I’ve been channeling for you for 10 years. I told you–Microsoft is haunted. That is the real reason for the Moebius in your software. We need to put some of these ghost to rest. That is why I’m here. All you have to do to end this is apologize and pay restitution.’ [cheers, PB]

[666] Is Prince Charles a 12 foot tall telepathic Lizard? No. He is the Anti-Christ. ‘And the beast which I saw was like a leopard, and his feet were like those of a bear, and his mouth like the mouth of a lion. And the dragon gave him his power and his throne and great authority.’ [thanks Phil]

[lizards] Beset By Lizards [Part 1] [Part 2] — Jon Ronson on David Icke. ‘…so far, to the coalition’s bafflement, Mulroney had declined to initiate legal action. Indeed, every individual accused of reptilian paedophilia by David Icke had so far failed to sue, including Bob Hope, George Bush, George Bush Jr, Ted Heath, the Rothschild family, Boxcar Willie, the Queen of England, the Queen Mother, Prince Philip, Kris Kristofferson, Al Gore and the steering committee of the Bilderberg Group. “Why do you think that is?” David Icke had asked me when I interviewed him about this matter in London. Then he turned to my notepad and thundered, “Come on, Ted Heath! Sue me if you’ve got nothing to hide! Come on, George Bush! I’m ready! Sue me! I’m naming names! Come on, Jon? Why are they refusing to sue me?” There was a silence. “Because they are twelve-foot lizards?” I suggested, smally. “Yes!” said David. “Exactly!”‘

[songs] Eugene Mirman — songs from Eugene, the marvelous crooning child. [via WEF via Plastic]

[urban myth] Pickled Penis — Is John Dillinger’s 23 inch penis stored at a museum in Washington? ‘The bulge in the center of the photo (Dillinger’s arm) was supposedly mistaken by contemporary viewers of fuzzy newspaper photos for his penis, thus starting the tale of an incredibly well-endowed John Dillinger. (How he managed to die in a fully erect state was a question the public either didn’t ponder or else attributed to some rather strange misunderstandings about the process of rigor mortis.)’ [kinda via Blogadoon]

[conspiracy] It comes as no surprise that David Icke has plenty to report on the Foot and Mouth Crisis… ‘Here we have yet more evidence that the Foot and Mouth “crisis” has been manufactured from the start. The question is…did the UK government call these timber merchants because they already knew that there was an outbreak long before it was officially revealed, or because they knew one was about to start through artificial means? I strongly suspect the latter to say the least.’ [Related Link: Foot-and-mouth ‘cover up’ denied]

[distraction] If you want a serious laugh check out… Cliff Yablonski Hates You. ‘jesus christ, you whiny little bitches need to go out and get a life for gods sake. all I get is “WAH, CLIFF, UPDATE YOUR PAGE, IM TIRED OF JACKING OFF TO THE ABC NEWS ALL DAY, WAH, UPDATE YOUR PAGE.” fuck you all. I hate you. Ive updated my fucking page, so shut the hell up you mongrel bastards.’

[masons] The Guardian profiles the Freemasons who have just hired a PR company to try and improve their image… ‘The editor of The Square, “the independent magazine for freemasons”, devotes his editorial in this month’s issue to the important question: “To eat or not to eat”. “Any masonic group which sought to eliminate my choice of whether I dine or not can do without my presence,” he thunders in a vigorous defence of the “festive board” against the “Nazis of the masonic world” who want it reduced or eliminated. It is, he explains, “one of the big topics of conversation in masonic circles”.’ [Related Link: The Grand Lodge of England Website]

Shoved through the letterbox… the answer to all my crippling emotional problems?

[words] According to Everything2 these are the twelve most powerful words in the english language: YOU, MONEY, SAVE, NEW, EASY, LOVE, DISCOVERY, RESULTS, HEALTH, PROVEN, GUARANTEE, FREE.

[moz] The death of Diana predicted in Morrisey’s music… ‘Morrissey’s lyrics to THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT from THE QUEEN IS DEAD concern: two people on a date at night in the city driving in a car fantasizing about getting killed in a car crash gripped by fear in an underpass. Over a decade later we have Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed: two people on a date at night in the city driving in a car getting killed in a car crash in an underpass.’ [via Barbelith Underground]

[fantasy tv] Ali G interviews Optimus Prime ‘Is that why this fight started then, because Galva-whatsit called your mum a slag?’

[meme] ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!! [Related Links: Metafiler Post]

[WTF] Ananova covers the important issues of the day… Woman has Nokia surgically removed from bottom. ‘Doctors at Taipei Medical University hospital said she had been playing sex games with her boyfriend. Hospital spokeswoman Elaine Weng said staff were wondering why they had used the mobile as a sex toy. She said: “We guessed it’s because some cellphones have a vibrating function.”‘

[infinite fanboys] I have not got the time to investigate this archive of Internet Fan Fiction… but it looks pretty comprehensive. If you find any amusing / sick / insightful fan fiction let me know…

[norfolk] According to to the Sunday Times Norfolk is new playground of the rich. ‘But the north Norfolk coast is emerging as the rural retreat of choice for the monied classes, providing for London’s elite what the Hamptons of Long Island offers New Yorkers. Drawn to the bracing sea air, quaint villages and fresh seafood, the urban wealthy are colonising the area, sending house prices soaring and spawning a proliferation of designer boutiques and delicatessens. Indeed, the lure of Blakeney, Wells-next-the-Sea and Burnham Market has become so strong that some of America’s glitterati have forsaken the Hamptons for a trip to Norfolk.’

[conspiracy] The World According to David Icke — when not dealing with the global illuminati, lizard shapeshifting conspiracy, David Icke is still a football pundit. Icke on Michael Owen: ‘Knowing comes from the subconscious, so the ball is in the net before the conscious mind can think. I am sure that the best goal scorers will tell you how their body often reacts almost by itself when opportunity knocks and they don’t think about taking the chance, they just take it: Chance. Bang. Goal. That’s the subconscious. The cold, calculated computer that doesn’t bother itself with things like emotion or fear of failure. It is a mental version of Star Trek’s Mr Spock. This level is the guvnor when we are in a mental state of knowing rather than thinking.’ [via Disinfomation]

[film] Where in the world is Tyler Durden? Subliminal Tyler Durden’s from Fight Club…

[conspiracy] What is a crazyveigh? ‘The truth must be told! I’m sorry, Timothy, but I can’t be quiet anymore! The reason Timothy has been quiet for so long is because the day he was arrested, A microscopic chip was inserted into the lower part of his left ear! This chip not only tortured him by playing death metal and christmas classics but it made him unable to speak. Then thin slices of razor blades were inserted between his liver and urapoopilikeno causing sharp pains to travel through his hands every time he was near paper! Timothy is really the son of God’ [via Follow Me Here]

[savile] Morrisey Investigates… Jimmy Saville. ‘The first recorded instance of this charming man Jimmy Saville was in 1765 when the local minister of the small village of Piddletrenthide in Dorset recorded ” a man claiming witchcraft” who said he could make all our dreams come true. He proceeded to light up a magic stick in his mouth – he called this witchcraft a “cigar” then gave each of us badges reading “Jim Hath Fixed It For Me?” We naturally tried to burn him at the stake but he managed to flee before we could catch him. It seems certain that this was Saville.’

[wtf?] British tabloids are reporting the Queen wrung the neck of a wounded pheasant with her bare hands… ‘”Under the headline “The Killer Queen”, the Sunday Mirror published photographs which it said showed the Queen putting the bird out of its misery at the end of Saturday’s first pheasant shoot of the winter at Sandringham, a royal estate in Norfolk. “She killed the helpless creature with her bare hands while watching Prince Philip and guests blasting birds from the sky,” the Mirror’s tabloid stablemate, the Sunday People, said in its report.’

[file under WTF?] Came here searching for Scooby Porn? Check it out… LMG has high quality Buffy / Scooby-Doo fan-fiction porn links just for you! ‘Velma grinned at Daphne as she pulled her close for a kiss. Daphne wrapped her arms around Velma’s neck and moaned. Velma moved her kisses down to Daphne’s breasts as Daphne’s right hand moved between her legs to caress her clit. Velma moaned and opened her mouth to enclose Daphne’s breast. With her left hand, Daphne reached for the jar of peaches on the nightstand. She removed her hand long enough to open the jar, and Velma whimpered at her loss. Buffy turned to see Xander completely engrossed in the video. Funny, but watching naked cartoons roll around in bed together had given him an erection.’ [Related Links: Disturbing Search Requests]

[rubber bands] This is Bill — he has a magnificent obssession about rubber band balls…. ‘The guy who owns my corner market is building the world’s largest rubber band ball. You may think this is stupid, but he doesn’t think it is. He takes his work very seriously. I bring my friends by to look at it. It grows daily. He will tell you about how he is buying hundreds of dollars of rubber bands every week, how he is shooting for more than a thousand pounds, some sort of world record. The thing has got to be three feet across already, and four hundred pounds. You should see the guy sweat when he works on it.’ [via Yungee]

[overheard] “I’ve seen bigger breasts on a pizza.” WTF?

[history] Vaguely disturbing… Pictures of historical events done in the style of the Sims Computer game. [via Memepool]

[wierd science] Human cloning. It’s going to happen — sooner than you think: Cult in first bid to clone human ‘The Raelians offered no proof that they had any of the medical skills required to clone, but they last year stated their ambition to make it happen and, according to impartial scientists, there is no longer any technical reason why they should not succeed.’ [via Robot Wisdom]

[degrees of seperation] Margaret Thatcher has a Bacon Number of three… ‘Margaret Thatcher was in Some Mother’s Son (1996) with David (I) O’Hara David (I) O’Hara was in Link (1986) with Elisabeth Shue Elisabeth Shue was in Hollow Man (2000) with Kevin Bacon ‘ [Related Links: Thatcher at IMDB, Bacon at IMDB]

[fungus in space!!] Space Fungus attacks the Mir Space Station. Life will always find a way… ‘Linenger, author of “Off the Planet,” a book about his experiences on Mir, said that he did not see any evidence that fungi or bacteria on the craft caused health problems. But he added that the station had “a strong smell of fungal contamination” – a smell he called “mushroomy” in his book – and that “there were areas you wouldn’t want to stick your hand in”.’ [via Slashdot]

[degrees of seperation] What is Adolf Hitler’s Kevin Bacon Number? 2! ‘Adolf Hitler was in Judgment at Nuremberg (1961) with Maximilian Schell. Maximilian Schell was in Telling Lies in America (1997) with Kevin Bacon’ [idea via NTK’s Hitler Filmography… ]

[art] Disinformation wonders if Jackson Pollock was a stooge of the CIA… ‘Since there was no political content, no theme to the work, in fact, there was often nothing at all but the most self-obsessed swirls in Pollock’s huge canvases, his art was easily commandeered and made a weapon. Stalin could hug as many children and lead as many peasants to the wheat fields in an evil Norman Rockwell universe as he liked, Pollock’s empty confusion spoke to the people of a shattered Europe, the wizards of America’s corporate towers and their brainwashed suburban peasants. Behind the mess and splashes of paint, there was something scary and profound enough to be real.’

[the horror!] What is Mr Winkle? ‘The project was inspired by the incredibly funny reactions to Mr. Winkle every time Regan took him in public. “It’s an alien!” screamed the cable repair man. “It’s a cat in a dog suit,” surmised an out-of-work actor. “It’s the reincarnation of the divinity!” enthused a woodworking poet. Kids of all ages are especially mesmerized by Mr. Winkle, most believing he is a stuffed animal come to life or an embodiment of their favorite pop culture character – Pokeman, Ewok, Japanese cartoon character – Mr.Winkle resembles them all.’ [via Barbelith Underground]

[are cornflakes anti-viagra?] Kellogs Cornflakes were invented to decrease sex drive… ‘In 1884, this curious connection between food and sex appeared in another guise the humble cornflake, which was invented, along with granola and other breakfast cereals as a mild food that would serve to decrease the sexual appetite. Dr Kellog’s brother William saw the commercial potential, and the rest (apart from a long legal battle between the brothers) – is history. John Harvey Kellogg opposed all sexual activity from masturbation to marital intercourse. A doctor, he never made love to his wife! ‘

[surrogate blogging] I could not bring myself to blog dogs dresses as superheroes… but Meg could.

[bad craziness] Some deeply weird headfucks on the Barbelith Underground… ‘“The simplest explanation is most probably the truth.” — Occam’s Razor.

[my inner voices use URL’s] Must… keep… hands… away… from… keyboard! Must. Not. Buy. BUDDY CHRIST!! [via lukelog]

[saville] plasticbag.org covers the the whole Saville hoax transcript meme… [#1] [#2] ‘Anyway. Such a document is clearly legally dubious at best, and since there is no evidence attached to the e-mail, it would seem logical to try to assume that it is entirely spurious as well. (In which case, of course, you would be talking vast potential libel damages.) But the strange thing about this particular meme is that most people who received the letter in question (including me – and I consider to be extremely cynical about chain e-mail) thought it to be at least plausible.’ [Interesting fact: If you type “Saville Hoax” into Google the first item you get up is a directory entry on Chris Morris. Hmmm….]

[jesus loves you] Good Lord! Christian sandals with Jesus Loves You written on the soles! “As I was thinking of more ways to reinforce goodness, God instructed me to cut out an old inner tube and glue the letters SUSEJ SEVOL UOY backwards onto the bottoms of sandals. When I was finished, it was raining. I walked outside and up onto a dry wooden deck and left JESUS LOVES YOU all over the deck. It was awesome, and I knew this was a wonderful new way to spread the good news.” [via ChrisH]

[chegwin porn!] My referrer logs tell me that many people come to LMG to look for naked pictures of Keith Chegwin… which always makes me laugh. Apparently he’s refusing all requests to show clips from the gameshow he appeared nude in again and according to BBC News a video of the program is about to be released which he will make a hefty profit from. LMG will link to the video as soon as it’s available. :) [Related Links: Channel 5 criticised in Commons, Original LMG posting, Original notsosoft posting]

[photo] Image of Cary Grant taking LSD. ‘Patient Cary Grant. From a vision, a tough inner core.’

[crazy world] Kids — Just say no to drugs and spiders. ‘roommate bitten on the penis by a spider. spider is a tarantula and did draw blood. victim’s breathing is fine, however he is very afraid. victim: aaron jarva. upon arrival of ambulance 162, victim stated he had taken 2 grams of crystal methamphetamine.’

[maggots! eating my flesh!!] newsUnlimited covers larval therapy. ‘A paper released last week from specialists at West Cumberland hospital in Cumbria could make them think again. Twelve patients with serious, “sloughy” leg ulcers took part in the study; six of them were treated with conventional hydrogel therapy, six with larval therapy (a more reassuring term for maggots). After one application of maggots, left in the wound for three days, all six of these patients were left with clean wounds. Of the others, only two had clean wounds after a month of treatment, with the other four needing further medical attention.’

[domain-name craziness] How Network Solutions, Inc. made me a child pornographer — everybody with a domain name registered should read this. “Even more disturbing, I have no way of knowing if my name has been attached to other sites featuring objectionable material. Indeed, the only reason I learned of the present situation was because a pervert in Germany was so anxious to obtain kiddie porn that he mailed a letter to a complete stranger 5,000 miles away. That’s scary.” [via Flutterby]

[movies] What it says on the tin — Soup goes to the Movies. ‘In a comically wrenching scene, Ewan McGregor plays Mark “Rent-boy” Renton, preparing to detox himself of his heroin addiction: “Relinquishing junk. Stage one, preparation. for this you will need one room which you will not leave. Soothing music. Tomato soup, ten tins of. Mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold. Ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of. Magnesia, milk of, one bottle. Paracetamol, mouthwash, vitamins. Mineral water, Lucozade, pornography. One mattress. One bucket for urine, one for feces and one for vomitus. One television and one bottle of Valium. Which I’ve already procured from my mother. Who is, in her own domestic and socially acceptable way also a drug addict. And now I’m ready. All I need is one final hit to soothe the pain while the Valium takes effect.”‘

[true] Life is always stranger than fiction… the true story of a runaway princess, an american marine and the US Media… ‘Colbert adds: “no matter what the ending, it’s still a movie.” So is it being cast already? Aloe thought Brad Pitt was “a bit too laid back… Jason is a real John Wayne character, a young Steve McQueen all-American renegade, completely without fear.” Freddy Prinze Jr has already been suggested and Aloe says they want at least one big star, probably male. For the princess, Selma Hayek has already been mentioned and Aloe reckons that Shannon Elizabeth from American Pie would be ideal.’

[vicars] The case of the missing Vicar. ‘Late last week, another churchwarden at St Paul’s, Captain Ian Powe, was arrested in connection with the allegations of harassment against Follett. Powe, who commanded HMS Yarmouth during the cod war, was released on bail and will have to return to Belgravia police station on August 8. He has vigorously protested his innocence. “I used to have an expression that worse things happen at sea,” Powe said earlier this week. “I’m not using it any more.”.’

[bulls] newsUnlimited profiles an English toreador. “The gore, shouts and sand seem impossibly remote two days later, as El inglés – The Englishman, a title he increasingly uses in tourist fights – looks back on his dual career as a toreador and supplier of fitted kitchens in Salford.”

[sealand] More on Sealand…. Wired looks at the company attempting to use Sealand as a secure off-shore data host and Slashdot interviews the chief technology officer managing the project.

[male struggle!] newsUnlimited reports that a clenched fist is the new image of Old Spice. “Vegas has replaced it with a clenched fist as a mark of resistance against post-feminist man’s weakness for effete eau de Cologne and skin balm. “The fist is also a symbol of men’s struggle to be taken seriously by women,” he said. “I prefer to think of it not as a stopper but as five fingers of angst and frustrated male desire.”

[news] Michelangelo’s David has a squint! The trick of perspective – which has taken 500 years to rumble – was a typical stroke of Michelangelo genius, according to Marc Levoy, the computer scientist from Stanford University, California, who made the discovery. He suspects it went unnoticed for so long because David’s more obvious attribute – his genitalia – blinded successive generations to the “flaw”.

[weird science] Two links that prove we have left the 20th. Century: Scientists transplant brain of eel into robot and discover that some things travel faster than light.

[THE HORROR!! PART DEUX] Not So Soft provides a link to an image of KEITH CHEGWIN’S KNOB ON TELLY LAST NIGHT!! [He’s the nude guy in the pith helmet.] Plenty of commentary about this from UK Blogs: Blogging The Line, I Just Type and LukeLog.

[news] The story of Sealand continues in the New York Times [my earlier story] “On Monday, a small international group of computer rebels plans to introduce what they are calling a data haven, perched precariously on a World War II military fortress six miles off England’s coast. They are hoping that the installation, connected to the Internet by high-speed microwave and satellite links, will become a refuge from governments increasingly trying to tame and regulate the Internet.” [via metafilter]

[weird world] BBC News asks: Was Elvis Welsh? “According to Mr Breverton, his roots are in west Wales – the name Presley is related to Preseli – a hill range in Pembrokeshire. Supporting his theory is the legend of St Elvis of Muster who, it is said, baptised St David. Mr Breverton claims the family could well have had links with a nearby chapel dedicated to St Elvis – the only one known in Britain.”

[weird science] Stinkymeat “3 kinds of meat, 19 days, and 1,000,000 maggots, all in the yard of my unwitting neighbor. Science never smelled so bad.” [via Yungee]

[mad world] See mad catapult woman bounce! [Real Audio]