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7 February 2002
[tv] Rock the vote — the Guardian’s Political Editor meets Will and Gareth from Pop Idol … ‘Gareth is 17 and was in his second year, doing his A-levels in Bradford when the Pop Idol opportunity interrupted. He has a painful stammer which he masters with difficulty and the help of his voice coach, Mike, who now travels with him. Gareth ought to be the underdog, except the bookies have him as the favourite to win – out of the original 10,000 wannabes who entered the competition last autumn. Meaning to be helpful, I tell him that Winston Churchill had a lisp and Nye Bevan a stammer. But he appears to have heard of neither of these recording artists. And why should he, I suppose. They are both very dead.’
26 January 2002
[young ones] The Complete Guide to Rick’s Poetry … Rick’s Teen Anguish Poem: oh god,
why
am I so much more sensitive than everybody else?
why
do I feel things so much more acutely than them,
and understand so much more.
I bet I’m the first person who’s ever felt as rotten as this.
could it be
that I’m going to grow up
to be a great poet and thinker, and all those other wankers in my
class are going to have to work in factories or go on the dole?
yes, I think it could.
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21 January 2002
[tv] Go on, Take a Pop — interview with Pop Idol’s Simon Cowell … ‘He seems much more vulnerable than when we first met. I tell him that he surprised me when he said not much in life has made him happy. “I am quite miserable because I’m never satisfied with what I’ve got. You’re always looking for that next high, and that is what I would define as happiness. I go through mood swings and the highs don’t last very long.” He says he gets bored and dissatisfied easily – with women, with work, with life.’
14 January 2002
[quotables] ‘C’mon, let’s do it! White Riot. Stand Down Margaret. I’m a child of recession, I’ve got hate in my eyes. Ask for me tomorrow and I’ll be gone cause I’ve got a one-way ticket to oblivion and I’m going to raise hell getting there!’ – Rik, The Young Ones.
13 January 2002
[quotables] ‘There’ll be plenty of chicks for these tigers on the road to the promised land! Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment? We can do just exactly whatever we want to do! And do you know why? Because we’re Young Ones! Bachelor Boys! Wild eyed big bottomed anarchists! LOOK OUT!! CLLLLLIIIIIFFFF!!’ – Rik, The Young Ones.
9 January 2002
[interview] You Ask the Questions… With Nigel Planer. ‘Q: What was your most memorable Young Ones moment? A: The final episode, when we were on the bus just before it goes over the cliff. Rick says, “We are wide-bottomed anarchists”, and Neil is playing an electric guitar at last and wearing cool shades. It was that moment of elation, just before disaster.’
8 January 2002
[quotables] ‘We NEVER clean the toilet, Neil! That’s what being a student is all about! No way, Harpic! No way, Dot! All that Blue Loo scene is for squares. One thing’s for sure, Neil, when Cliff Richard wrote “Wired for Sound”, no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory! He was living on the limit, just like me. Where the only place to put bleach is in your hair!’ – Rik, The Young Ones.
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24 December 2001
[tvgohome] Charlie Brooker’s alternative Christmas Day TV listings… ‘9.30 I Love the Succession of Glittering Images Which Distract and Amuse Yet Ultimately Do Little to Quell the Boundless Sadness at My Core.’
21 December 2001
[tv] What I’ve Learned — the wit and wisdom of Homer J. Simpson … ‘What kind of fool would leave a pie on a windowsill, anyway? ‘ [via Sore Eyes]
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15 December 2001
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14 December 2001
[tv] Dom Joly talks about his Home Entertainment … ‘We used to look at all those CCTV cameras and wonder who watched them, so we did things in front of them like mock executions of dogs. It wasn’t very funny so we slo-mo’d it, to give it pathos, then we put Passengers by U2 and Pavarotti on it and it worked. The music gives Trigger Happy totally undeserved depth – we can even drag a tear out of someone occasionally.’
13 December 2001
[tv] When Louis met Granny — the Guardian on Louis Theroux and Christine Hamilton’s Mum … ‘”I don’t like it. You want to make money from the media, but not in this sleazy manner,” said Christine’s mother to her daughter (she barely spoke to Neil at all, except to denigrate his spoken English). “It might be good for them,” interjected Theroux. “It’s good for you, it’s not good for them,” she flashed back.’ [ Related: www.neil-hamilton-is-innocent.com]
12 December 2001
[tv] Nancy Banks-Smith on Lynne and Gary’s Marriage in Eastenders … ‘This was the first really funny EastEnders – an astonishing novelty. Of course, little Mo was being raped and Jane was dying of cancer and Pauline was giving us her Widow Twankey, but you have to take the rough with the smooth. Gary was marrying Lynne. Their first wedding was called off when Lynne’s sister slit her wrists. This time they got as far as the registrar’s, when who should arrive but Beppe, a barely intelligible Italian with a complicated beard. Beppe usually sounds like a cough drops ad, but love gave him lucidity: “Lynne, Lynne! Don’t do this! Marry him and everybody ends up unhappy!” Everybody, in fact, ended up in the ladies loo.’
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11 December 2001
[tv] Something weird about Louis — Gyles Brandreth interviews Louis Theroux … ‘Why did Louis decide to make a film about the Hamiltons? “For a start, I thought they’d agree, which is quite important. And I’m interested in people who invent or reinvent themselves through the media. The Hamiltons have gone from being a serious politician and his wife to being media caricatures. Also, I thought there was something more, something going on under the surface.” As he says this, Louis is pulling a strange face, making saucer eyes at me. I raise an enquiring eyebrow. He hesitates. “Possibly,” he mutters, “some mysterious dimension to their relationship . . .possibly sexual in nature.”‘
10 December 2001
[celeb] Happy Camper — Independent profile of Julian Clary … ‘He’s done quite a few lengthy profiles over the years and I wonder how it feels, picking up a newspaper or magazine and reading all about yourself. “I always get bored halfway through. It’s a formula, isn’t it. You start with: ‘Julian turns up wearing an expensive-looking jumper and too much jewellery.’ Then it’s the potted history, which is when I glaze over, and then there might be an interesting bit at the end.” “That does sound slightly familiar,” I concede. “Change the formula,” he says. “How?” “I dunno.” “Ho-hum. That’s a nice jumper you’re wearing, Julian. Expensive?” “Yes. And rather hot.”‘
8 December 2001
[profiles] First Among Gonzos — yet another Louis Theroux profile… ‘There have been moments when the Theroux charm hasn’t worked. “I’ve been surprised at some of the animosity,” says Clifford. “I had to take Westlife to a hospital which Louis was supposed to film. But the hospital said, ‘We don’t like the programme. We don’t want him to be there’. I suppose it’s because people think he’s taking the piss.” Although Theroux is friendly to his subjects to the point of deference, he does put some backs up. He was once found to be on a Combat 18 hit-list, proving in the nasty post-Dando world that anything is possible for a high-profile personality.’
4 December 2001
[comics] Classic Spider-Man Television Series 1967-1970 — New Real Audio episode every Saturday… ‘This is a true icon of television and it captures the spirit, the feel and the smell of the 1960’s Lee / Ditko / Romita era of our favorite wallcrawler.’
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25 November 2001
[tv] Richard and Judy: The Golden Couple — The Indepedent profiles Richard Madeley and Judy Finnegan… ‘When Richard Madeley ejaculates he prefers to rest his “equipment” for 25 minutes before attempting to make love with Judy Finnegan again. Or so he told the world in 1995. He has had a vasectomy, and her painful, irregular periods were the cause of a hysterectomy three years ago. This may be much more information than you need, but it represents only the tiniest sample of the personal details Richard and Judy have disclosed to the viewing public since they began presenting a live television programme called This Morning in 1988. There is nothing they won’t talk about on air, except her weight and the eight-year age gap between them. Richard is sleek, fastidious, endowed with long, shiny hair, and 45. His wife is 53, and frankly she looks it alongside her clean-cut, mane-tossing husband. She is also by far the sexier of the two.’
23 November 2001
[distractions] Check out:
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21 November 2001
[tv] The Lady and the Vamp — beginners guide to Buffy … ‘…take a 16-year-old girl having sex with her boyfriend, whom she loves beyond measure, for the first time – so far, so Hollyoaks. Then factor in that the boyfriend is a vampire whose human soul has been restored by a Gypsy curse; also, that one moment’s perfect happiness (making lurve, say) will break the curse and turn him back into a vampire; that once he’s turned back into a vampire, he’ll be in possession of the blackest heart Vampworld has ever seen; that his first endeavour will be to kill the girl, in the cruellest manner he can dream up; and that he, alone among the undead, has the power to open the door between good and evil.’
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20 November 2001
[tv] PopBitch vs. Trisha … ‘Following last week’s Diary entry on Popbitch regulars terrorising the Trisha Online message board for the emotionally vulnerable, events have taken a sinister turn. Hacked off with the pranksters pretending to be potential daytime-TV fodder, Anglia TV webmeisters threatened to call the police. They then traced some of the imposters’ email addresses, got in touch with their employers and warned them that they were using company time to mess with the minds of important chat show people. Which all seems more than a little heavy-handed and unnecessary.’ [ Related: Trisha Message Board]
8 November 2001
[tv] A Taxi Ride to Success — interview with Rob Brydon from Marion and Geoff … ‘Marion and Geoff was a series of exquisite ten-minute monologues delivered by Brydon in the character of Keith Barrat, a Welsh minicab driver. Keith spoke to us via a video camera mounted on the passenger side of his dashboard – mostly about his wife, Marion, his two children, Alun and Rhys (‘little smashers’), and his wife’s new partner, Geoff, the pharmaceutical salesman of the year. In the face of dreadful domestic and professional disappointment, Keith was endlessly optimistic – which only seemed to confirm the depths of his despair. “Beautiful day,” he would announce brightly, before looking up through the windscreen at the sky and adding, “Bit overcast. But Mr Bluebird’s on my shoulder.”‘
7 November 2001
[tv] You ask the questions: Louis Theroux … ‘[Q] Who was more scary to interview, Eugene Terreblanche (of the Afrikaner Resistance Movement) or Paul Daniels? [A] The company of Terreblanche is the scariest. He smelt of booze and he did seem a bit volatile, switching between being overly friendly to angry and crazed from moment to moment. With Paul the terror is that he’s going to tell you another endless Frank Sinatra anecdote.’
6 November 2001
[tv] Other Listings Magazine — more DIY TV Go Home … ‘18.30 Good Old Dad. First of a new six part series in which Richard Briers meets children he illegitimately fathered as a result of a series of sordid sex sessions during filming of the first series of “The Good Life”‘
5 November 2001
[tv] Don’t stop me now — an interview with Jonathan Ross … ‘Ross owes his success to his unembarrassability. Much of his humour is at his own expense. Hence the interminable bad-taste jokes, and the celebrated occasion on which he exposed himself on They Think It’s All Over last year. (He protests: “The BBC loved it! They thumbed it with something like “Wossie whips it out”. They used my cock as a selling point. Well, I didn’t show my cock anyway, not to the audience or to the cameras. I showed it to Nick [Hancock], and I showed it to Ian Wright, who looked suitably horrified. There was a great photograph of him recoiling in absolute disgust that I was thinking of having it made into a T-shirt.”‘
4 November 2001
[cheggers] The show must go on [ Part 1 | Part 2] … Louis Theroux meets Keith Chegwin. ‘I look up and there’s a man standing there, with short legs and receding grey hair, he looks like Keith Allen, the actor. Then I realise it’s Keith Chegwin. I must be tired. He changes into his stage gear: blue shorts and an orange Hawaiian shirt. We head for the stage. As we’re puffing up the stairs, past the pipes with bubbles in them, Keith says: “Do you do gigs? You should!… Coronary classic, these stairs! I want somebody from St John’s, now!” I part ways with Keith as we approach the main dance floor, where Keith will be performing. The club is loud and packed with drunk students. The energy is great – despite being tired, I’m caught up in the swell of excitement. Keith hits the stage, and screams through his microphone, so loud the sound is distorted and barely comprehensible. “Have we got anyone here who can’t stand the effing sight of me?” There’s a huge roar.’
26 October 2001
[search requests] People keep visiting via Google searching for this — so here you go… 
25 October 2001
[tv] It’s nearly ten o’clock on a Thursday Night… time for Attachments Everybody Hates Attachments. The script for the final episode has been leaked apparently: ‘JON: FUCK! Gareth’s faxed all our HTML to a chatroom! DYSON: No problem! Just re-route it, stick it on a floppy and save it as an animated gif! JON: I can’t! I’m too busy reformatting the coffee machine! TESS: Oh Christ! We’re really IN THE SHIT!’
22 October 2001
[distractions] Check out:
17 October 2001
[tv] Edie Does It — William Leith interviews Edie Falco ( Carmela from the Sopranos). ‘If you haven’t seen The Sopranos yet, you should. Filming is about to begin on the fourth series and the third will air on Channel 4 in November. How good is it? Well, the New Yorker magazine recently reported a conversation between two real-life mobsters who were being bugged in just the sort of police operation you see in The Sopranos. One mobster says, ‘What’s this Sopranos? Is that supposed to be us?’ The other replies, ‘What characters. Great acting.’ ‘
8 October 2001
[profile] Saint or Skinner? — interview with Frank Skinner. ‘…the smile of a ubiquitous, tousle-haired, 44-year-old who tells jokes about anal sex and oral sex, but mostly anal sex, and still manages to be something of a housewives’ and grannies’ favourite. Frank Skinner is the chat show host who famously balanced a mentally precarious Tara Palmer-Tomkinson on his knee, creating the catalyst TV moment that sent her packing to rehab. He is a smutty, talented, slovenly, porn-video-watching, teetotal, divorced practising Catholic with an undying passion for West Bromwich Albion football team and Elvis Presley.’
3 October 2001
[distraction] Could You? — Amusing spoof on recent UK Police TV Ads. [via Wanderers Weblog]
17 September 2001
[distraction] Clerks TV Pilot Episode — a twenty-one minute on-line episode from Kevin Smith’s cancelled animated TV show … ‘This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers.’ — Randall, From The Film. [via Feeling Listless]
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[tv] Trivia pursuits — interview with Adam and Joe … ‘…a criticism that is frequently levelled at the duo: “We are unfashionably middle class and too posh,” Cornish says with a bristle in his voice. Buxton jerks back in his chair with irritation: “It’s just because we are this sort of nebulous item, so people fixate on the school we went to and think, ‘Oh, they’re not northern, they’re not stand-up, they’re not really anything, so let’s make them slacker toffs.'” After a two-second pause they both shrug self-mockingly: “Fair enough, really.”‘
2 September 2001
[tv] Family secrets — the Observer goes behind the scenes of The Sopranos … ‘I heard David Chase say one time that it’s about people who lie to themselves, as we all do. Lying to ourselves on a daily basis and the mess it creates.’ — James Gandolfini on what the Sopranos is really about.
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29 August 2001
[tv] Theroux tipped off by Hamiltons — brief inside story on Louis Theroux and the Hamiltons … Theroux: ‘Journalists can dish it out, but we’re not very good at taking it. Maybe it’s because we know what it’s like being in the media spotlight. We’re the last to sign the release form.’
27 August 2001
[distraction] Tony Soprano Soundboard — flash soundboard with soundclips … ‘Two years ago I thought RICO was a relative of his.’ — Dr. Melfi.
26 August 2001
[bb2] Behind Big Brother — Elizabeth on the BB2 experience … ‘For the moment, us housemates have been set apart. We have become a kind of product, a brand. It is ironic, as people think they know me, that I sometimes feel I have become de-personalised by the experience. I am no longer just Elizabeth, but Elizabeth from Big Brother. I am now part of the exclusive brand.’
[distractions] Ask Professor Yaffle … ‘Nyek, nyek, nyek. Good day to you, young seekers of enlightenment. I, Professor Yaffle, have been specially invited here as an acknowledged expert on many topics, in the hope that I may serve as a source of wisdom to those less informed than myself; to whit, the viewing public. I believe that several people have already written in with questions of great import, upon which they wish to seek my humble opinion. ‘ [ Related: Profiles of Professor Yaffle and Bagpuss. Link via Found]
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3 August 2001
[tv] The inside story on Elizabeth from Big Brother … ‘On Friday morning, after Elizabeth’s eviction , Druitt’s mobile phone is almost constantly engaged. The horror on her face at her exit interview, when nude pictures from the Star flashed on the screen, was, says Druitt, a big sham. “She loved those pictures.”‘ [via Popbitch]
24 July 2001
[tv] The Life of Chris — the Guardian profiles Chris Morris’ career.. ‘The animal rights campaigner Carla Lane is still disgusted, four years after her encounter with Morris (“Prison’s not good enough” for animal abusers, she told him. Morris replied: “Prison’s too good. So what about jail?”) “These trendy people seem to think what they do is very funny,” Lane says today, “but most of it is beyond the 40-year-olds who are looking for Only Fools And Horses or Are You Being Served.”‘ [ Related: Cook’d and Bomb’d]
16 July 2001
[tv] Hi, I’m Big Brother — behind the scenes at the Big Brother 2 Studio… ‘On the wall are instructions on how to be Big Brother. “Always be calm, dispassionate and businesslike,” says one. “Don’t offer solutions,” reads another. “Don’t refer to things we’ve seen. Wait until they mention it.” A separate posting instructs them on how to react in the case of a threatened walk out: “1. Show understanding. 2. Dwell on the positive experiences. 3. Tell them they are strong. We think they can cope. 4. Suggest talking to the housemates.”‘
25 June 2001
[tv] The Second Noel — entertaining interview with Noel Edmonds…. ‘I sneeze a couple of times. “I don’t know that this carpet can absorb that amount of moisture,” Edmonds says in that famous squeaky voice. “Can you do me a passport photo?” he asks the photographer, who nods. “That was a joke,” Edmonds says, disappointed.’
23 June 2001
[music] Michael Daddino blogs 24 hours of MTV … ‘R&B videos just delight in nice interiors, don’t they?’
17 June 2001
[soap] Walford gets its golden boy — Goldie’s appearing in EastEnders… ‘Fame, he says, no longer has the same appeal. He spent his whole life wanting to be somebody, wanting to tell his story. ‘I wanted it so much it made me sick. But ultimately you think, “Goldie, they understand. You can stop now.”‘ He screams out loud, a long howl of pain. ‘I’ve been screaming since I was three.’ But now, the screaming might stop. What he’s learning is patience. ‘When you have rejection all of your life, you expect it. And you want to give it. But sometimes you’ve just got to say, someone owes me out there, there’s some kind of karma. And you’ve got to wait for it to come.’
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10 June 2001
[tv] Male haterosexuality — Barbara Ellen looks at Men Only (a drama on Channel 4 last week). ‘This, we were told in booming, none-too-literate tones, was ‘THE TROOF’ about men when they are alone, away from the civilising influence of women. There were some upsetting and graphic early scenes depicting men enjoying a game of football, and then it was straight on to the hard stuff. If the male characters weren’t lying, cheating, stealing, taking drugs and fighting, they were leering at women like high-street Vikings, swaggering into massage parlours a full 20 minutes after their groins, socking prostitutes on the jaw and (treat yourself, it’s Saturday night) gang raping helpless nurses, with a camcorder running. Recognise anybody you know? Because no man I know did, though a few confessed to owning camcorders. One man I know called it “Cold Feet on ketamine”.’
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8 June 2001
[brilliantly cruel] John’s Not Mad fan-page… ‘In 1989, QED obligingly produced the programme “John’s Not Mad”, featuring John Davidson, a young man from Galashiels who simply couldn’t stop swearing. We now know it as Tourette’s Syndrome – and no self respecting wag hasn’t feigned a gutter gob-rush at some point in their lives. At the time, however, the beauty of a condition which simply made you rude was a new one to the children of Britain. We also never had swearing on TV. LA Law had a defendent with Tourette’s in one episode – but he said nothing worse than bitch and slut. John Davidson, however, said fuck. And he said cunt. And he said big nose.’ [ Sound: Fuck Medley]
4 June 2001
[tv] I’m losing the will to live — 12 hours watching the Big Brother house. ‘1.05am Bubble asks Amma if she swallows. Amma says she doesn’t then suggests that the boys swallow a cup of “it”. Their own or someone else’s, she doesn’t specify. Paul says he is well up for a game of strip poker. If the fact that he is reading the Posh and Becks biography wasn’t enough of a hint, here is another that Paul is one classy bloke. Elizabeth is still in the kitchen washing and wiping things. She is perhaps thinking about feeding her boyfriend his rusks. 9.35am Penny fears that when she leaves the house, the crowds there to see her may be so large there could be “a Princess Diana moment”. Yes, and they’ll all be holding flaming torches and shouting “Burn the witch”.’
30 May 2001
[tv] Grange Hill — The Gripper Stebson Years. ‘Off-screen, Mark Savage found his on-screen persona a nightmare. Wherever Mark went, people challenged him to fights and at a football match supporters told him: “Oi Gripper, you’re gonna get your ‘ead kicked in!” To make matters worse, there was a wave of copycat bullying sweeping the nation. “It was open season on Gripper”, Mark told Now magazine in 1998. “People really thought I was Gripper and pulled knives on me and all sorts.”‘ [Related: What Gripper Stebson Did Next]
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