[books] Grey by EL James … a digested read from John Grace … ‘I instruct her in the basic rules of our relationship. I will buy her a laptop, a BlackBerry and a new car and in return she will sign a contract promising to allow me to abuse her in whatever way I want. She has two days to consider my proposal. The two days pass in agony as my enormous cock waits for its answer. Even when I am donating billions of dollars to charitable causes in Darfur, I can barely concentrate. I have to have her. She is the ONE. My enormous cock concurs.’

[books] Fifteen Shades of Grey :: A Digested Read … Fifty Shades of Grey in 15 sentences … ‘I’ll agree to the fisting…’

[sex] Fifty Shades Generator … an incredibly NSFW Lorem Ipsum generator producing text in the style of 50 Shades of Grey … ‘ I awoke the next morning with my bearded haddock pasty still flowing. I thought it was over but his washington monument had other ideas.’

[sex] Lesson’s Learned … Twenty-Five lessons learned by Diamond Geezer about Sex during the last quarter century … ‘You should always know where your towel is.’

[funny] Good / Bad / Meh Things To Say During Sex … ‘Madre Mio!’

[comics] The War on Fornication — Peter Bagge comic strip on sexual politics in America at the moment.

[sex] Map of Sexual Fetishes, Categorised and Interlinked … I suspect this isn’t as comprehensive infoporn as it seems… but I know now what shrimping is so it was worth a look. :) [via Qwghlm]

[space] Ask Metafilter: Has anyone ever had sex in space? From the comments: ‘I had a friend who worked with NASA, and he had this conversation with them at some sort of official place (I actually think he has a paper out on it). The main issue was birth control and pregnancy, with concerns about the effects on the embryo of radiation on re-entry being the biggest issue. He said that hearing officials in the space industry seriously debate enacting a “anal sex only” rule to be one of the most surreal moments of his life.’

[ukblogs] Belle de Jour’s 100 Days Without Sex — can the soon-to-be published in paperback sex-blogger survive? … ‘I send him a photo of me that he took on our holiday. My top was a little tighter than I remember and I look very busty indeed. “WHORE!” “Excuse me?”, I type. “I spelled that wrong, didn’t I?” he writes. “The noise you do when someone looks great.” “Did you mean PHWOAR?,” I type.’

[blog] Blog Interrupted — the Washington Post gets the inside story on Washingtonienne … ‘Jessica and her friend slid onto stools in the cool dimness of Bullfeathers, a popular Capitol Hill watering hole. Jessica ordered a Southern Comfort. It was the middle of the afternoon on May 18. “What happened to you today?” the bartender asked. “I got fired. I lost my boyfriend and my job, and it’s my birthday,” Jessica remembers telling him. “How did you get fired?” the bartender wanted to know. “I wrote an X-rated blog,” Jessica said. The bartender looked puzzled. “What’s a blog?” he asked.’

[film] Let’s Not Get It On — a guide to the least erotic moments in recent films … ‘All it takes for Eminem to bed (or, in this case, stack of metal) Murphy is an awkward request for a date, which she parlays into some immediate workplace action: Looking for all the world like a crack whore, Murphy soaks her palm in her own saliva and heads down south. A moment of mostly silent sex – broken up by clanking factory noises – ends with Eminem, in a rare moment of vulnerability, gasping “Oh, God.” His savage beast isn’t soothed for long, though: After two seconds of postcoital bliss, he’s already shouting, “Your friends don’t even know me!”‘ [via I Love Everything]

[iraq] The Sexual Sadism of our Culture, in Peace and in War — interesting commentary on the links between pornography and the photos of torture in Iraq … ‘The pornographic culture has clearly influenced the soldiers; at the very least, in their exhibitionism, their enthusiasm to photograph their handiwork. And the victims in both don’t have feelings: to the abusers, they didn’t in Abu Ghraib; to the punter they don’t in pornography. Both point to just how degraded sex has become in western culture. Porn hasn’t even pretended to show loving sex for decades; in films and TV most sex is violent, joyless. The Abu Ghraib torturers are merely acting out their culture: the sexual humiliation of the weak’

[sex] The Son Also Rises — amusing update on the 30th Aniversary edition of the The Joy of Sex …

‘Even 30 years after it was first published, the Joy of Sex begs many questions. On pages 114-5 of the latest edition, for instance, there’s a man astride a woman’s buttocks with his hands pressed into her shoulders. The helpful description of what’s going on follows. “She kneels, hands clasped behind her neck, breasts and face on the bed. He kneels behind. She hooks her legs over his and pulls him to her with them.” With me so far? Let’s go to stage two. “He puts a hand on each of her shoulder-blades and presses down. Very deep position – apt to pump her full of air which escapes later in a disconcerting manner – otherwise excellent.” Intriguing stuff. Why would she be pumped full of air? Just how disconcerting is the escape of air? Should we have the emergency services on standby? What tools should they bring? ‘

[sex] Whorechalking — Tom and Cal reinvent the London Prostitute Carding Industry … ‘…thanks to the magic of chalk and walls you can now be quickly and easily connected to the seediest side of the sex industry wherever you go! Introducing WHORECHALKING. Prove your manhood today. Go fuck something!’ [Related (kinda): Prostitute Trading Trumps]

[phones] How I became a ‘call’ girl — What it’s like to work on a phone sex line …

‘”Did you have any particular fantasy in mind tonight?” purred Jade.

“No,” the caller mumbled.

“What do you feel like talking about?”

“I dunno.”

“Where are you calling from?”

“Lying down,” he answered.’

[WTF?] Deeply weird… sexual situation involving chains and a Volkswagon…. ‘Case studies include “The Love Bug,” the weird tale of an airline pilot who sought gratification by running around in the nude while chained to the back of a Volkswagen rigged to drive in slow circles. Called to the scene when a fisherman stumbled upon the grisly tableau, stunned policemen found the pilot’s naked body smashed against the car’s left rear fender. Cops theorized the victim had been trying to turn off the ignition when the chain began wrapping around the axle, crushing him to death.’ [via Venusberg]

[old perv] Pass Notes on the Marquis de Sade. ‘The man in his own words: “Go fuck away the livelong day.” Do say: “Had a good day at the orifice, Count?”‘

[god is everywhere] LinkMachineGo is proud to present the link of the year… It does not get more profane or blasphemous than this… religious sex toys… Who – *CHOKE!* wants a Baby Jesus butt-plug or a Jackhammer Jesus? ‘Jesus was a carpenter. Now he’s a powertool.’ [via the Warren Ellis forum on Delphi]

[sooty sex] The Nutlog provides a link to another of the staples of my childhood being defiled: The Karma-Sooty. Sooty does… Bestiality! Tantric! Bagism?! 69!

[more kellogs] A great quote from the good Dr Kellogg: ‘A remedy which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision…The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind…In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement.’

[are cornflakes anti-viagra?] Kellogs Cornflakes were invented to decrease sex drive… ‘In 1884, this curious connection between food and sex appeared in another guise the humble cornflake, which was invented, along with granola and other breakfast cereals as a mild food that would serve to decrease the sexual appetite. Dr Kellog’s brother William saw the commercial potential, and the rest (apart from a long legal battle between the brothers) – is history. John Harvey Kellogg opposed all sexual activity from masturbation to marital intercourse. A doctor, he never made love to his wife! ‘

[orgy] Hacker’s orgy — fails because nobody shows up… ‘Only two people showed up, and now the would-be Dionysus is trying to recoup some of his costs by selling the shirts for $15 each. In retrospect, he realizes the orgy was probably a bad idea from its conception. “The idea came out of a conversation on IRC [Internet Relay Chat],” he says. “We were bitching about how hackers never get laid.” Even at an orgy.’ [via Guardian Weblog]

[prostitution] Prostitutes Phone Cards and Pokémon — getting blogged everywhere. Pig Inc: “By the way, I’ve got the ‘Cindy Crawford’ transexual model card if anyone wants to swap. Very rare, posted in the Bayswater area only. Mint condition.”

[weblogs] Amusing as hell: neighbour sex “uhhhnngghhh…..ahhhhnnghhhh…..pullout, pullout, Pullout, PULLOUT, PULLOUT!!!!” [via Steal This Blog!. It’s being blogged everywhere but I saw the line above and thought: “If that’s not a Linkmachinego quote I don’t know what is!”]

[green] Continuing the gardening theme from earlier in the week…. Gardening is the new sex [stressed-voice-in-my head: What next? Somebody tell me! WHAT NEXT?] Percy Thrower is the new brown?

[news] two random, unconnected (but interesting!) links from BBC News: Net sex addiction on the rise and Author [Stephen] King feeling better [after nasty car accident last year].

[tv] FilmFour to broadcast banned sex scenes on web. FilmFour will show a doctored version of The Idiots, which caused controversy when it was given a cinema certificate, on its subscription channel. But it will “webcast” the most controversial scenes, uncut, on its website.