March 2000: A favourite quote of mine from Grant Morrison’s Animal Man: ‘What’ll it be next? Choice extracts from the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations? Trotting out the Nietzsche and the Shelley to dignify some old costumed claptrap? Probably. Sometimes you wonder, in an interconnected universe, who’s dreaming who?’

April: I wonder: Would you get baptised just to please your dying father?

May: Barbara Cartland dies…. and I do a few link tributes to the mad old bitch…. ‘Men have always made a fuss of me. I still have several admirers who send me jewellery and chocolates. So I must be doing something right’ – aged 96.

June: There are certain things that a simple man from Norfolk should not be exposed to…. I see Keith Chegwin’s knob on TV. Meg from NotSoSoft provides a photo… from then on I will get four or five referrals a month from Google about… Keith Chegwin Nude.

July: A classic quote from Preacher: ‘I mean look at me: My head looks like a penis, I’ve got one leg, one ear, one eye, and my cock’s been replaced with a rubber tube.’

August: I wonder about the important things in life: How many degrees of seperation between Blakey from On The Buses and Kevin Bacon? ‘I’ll get you Butler!!’

September: I play My Name is… Frank Butcher.

October: Nishlord sums up Paula Yates: ‘Some of us are born great. Some of us achieve greatness. And others have a pop star’s cock thrust upon them.’

November: The desperate search for meaningful content continues…. I begin to rip off quotes from various authors… ‘On page 39 of California Living magazine I found a hand-lettered ad from the McDonald’s Hamburger Corporation, one of Nixon’s big contributors in the ’72 presidential campaign: PRESS ON, it said. NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN TAKE THE PLACE OF PERSISTENCE. TALENT WILL NOT: NOTHING IS MORE COMMON THAN UNSUCESSFUL MEN WITH TALENT. GENIUS WILL NOT: UNREWARDED GENIUS IS ALMOST A PROVERB. EDUCATION ALONE WILL NOT: THE WORLD IS FULL OF EDUCATED DERELICTS. PERSISTENCE AND DETERMINATION ALONE ARE OMNIPOTENT. I read it several times before I grasped the full meaning.’

December: Christmas pictures of Ann Widdecombe and her cats — Pugwash and Carruthers! ‘Goodness gracious, what is that? It’s Mr. Pugwash, my black cat. Goodness gracious, are there others? Yes indeed, my cat Carruthers.’

January 2001: A long weekend expressed as links…. Friday: Blog, Oxford Street, Selfridges, Starbucks, Marks and Spencers, MyHotel, drink, Move on to Soho — more drink, Japanese food, drink, back to MyHotel, drink, cab, home, Try to Blog… too pissed, Sleep. Saturday: Badly hungover, 4 * Nurofen + time = feel better, hungry, read Powers: Who Killed Retro Girl?, Eco, Sexy Beast, Blog, Sleep. Sunday: Blog, More Powers, Cast Away, National Lampoon’s Vegas Vacation, Baddiel’s Syndrome, Blog.

February: Darren’s Circumcision — I have a rather Disturbing Search Request.