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2 February 2015
[funny] 5 People on Etsy Who Are Clearly Serial Killers Part 1 | Part 2 … 
‘Hey, remember that nightmare you had once where you wandered into that rural cult compound and everyone celebrated the arrival of an outsider by tying you to a banquet table, putting on their ceremonial animal masks, and drinking your blood from a chalice? Well, even if you don’t, this nice woman sure does, and she was really hoping you’d like to be reminded for only $30. She’s a Canadian photographer and expert in subtle terror. Objectively, there’s nothing scary about a kid wearing a plastic animal mask, and yet her pictures are so ominous, they look like something you’d find in the attic of a house no one will buy.’
29 January 2015
[consipracy] Every single celebrity murdered by the sinister Illuminati, as revealed by Google Autocomplete … ‘Google autocompletes are based upon what people type into Google. Therefore they are always true and never wrong, and this turns out to be a completely brilliant way of finding out which celebrities have been murdered by the sinister Illuminati cult that runs our world.’
26 January 2015
[politics] Greeks vote for the Germans to pay for everything … ‘Some economists have suggested that Greece doesn’t have any money because nobody has bothered paying any tax for the ten or fifteen years, but these concerns cut no ice amongst Greeks. “We’ve got to get away from the old arguments about who did what and who is to blame in order to move forward with our exciting plans”, said Dmitropolos said.’
[tags: Funny, Politics][ permalink][ Comments Off on Newsthump: Greeks Vote For The Germans To Pay For Everything]
22 January 2015
[herzog] Werner Herzog Inspirational Posters … ‘And what haunts me, is that in all the faces of all the bears that Treadwell ever filmed, I discover no kinship, no understanding, no mercy. I see only the overwhelming indifference of nature. To me, there is no such thing as a secret world of the bears. And this blank stare speaks only of a half-bored interest in food.’
21 January 2015
[funny] Artist Always Carries Around Sketchbook In Case He Feels Like Making Someone Uncomfortable … ‘You never know when you’ll catch a glimpse of some random person and feel that sudden urge to sketch them without their permission as they fidget under your gaze…’
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19 January 2015
[moore] Why has Nick Griffin ripped off the ‘V for Vendetta’ logo for his new party? … Life imitates Alan Moore again… ‘We attempted get in touch with Griffin to get a comment on this and he told us to ‘do one’ and accused us of being part of the ‘zonist media’.’
13 January 2015
[politics] MPs Mistaking Arms For Anus … anus errors from the official record of the House of Commons and the House of Lords … ‘November 14, 2000, Dr Jenny Tonge: I want now to discuss my favourite topic of anus embargoes, to which the Minister would expect me to refer.’
6 January 2015
[funny] 36 Truly Terrifying Middle-Class Injuries … ‘Today I suffered the most middle class injury ever. I hurt my wrist while rinsing kale.’
30 December 2014
[joke] Possibly The Best And Most Convoluted Knock Knock Joke Ever… a masterclass in how to derail a joke with Facebook comments … ‘Knock Knock. Who’s There? Irish Stu…’
21 December 2014
[comics] The Sensual Santa … ‘Be a Sensual Santa! It’s Contagious!’
11 December 2014
[shining] All Play And No Work… By Mike Handy … ‘Keep Pedaling’ 
8 December 2014
[funny] Richard Dawkins Renounces Atheism After Smoking DMT … The professor claims that, while his DMT experience is largely ineffable and almost impossible to describe to anyone who hasn’t also been through it, he “saw the self transforming machine elves that Terence McKenna was talking about” and that they communicated with him.
“I can’t believe I’ve been so wrong all of these years,” raged an exasperated Dawkins while smashing his private collection of dinosaur bones. “I always thought I’d be able to explain away any experience I had on the basis of evolutionary theory but I just wasn’t able to apply it to this, it was mental.”
7 December 2014
[books] Chris Morris interviews Bret Easton Ellis … ‘Who says Americans can’t write books? Well, my school teacher for one did but she was wrong and she’s dead now, and as if to dance on her grave this American is all book. His name is Brett Easton-Ellis, he’s from New York. Now I want you to imagine a book over 6 feet tall, it looks like a man, then imagine that book takes you aside throws open its arms and sprays words all over your face. It makes you laugh, it makes you cringe with raw satire like guts.’
3 December 2014
[serial] Charts for People Obsessed with Serial … useful info-graphics for people obssesed with the Serial podcast … 
10 November 2014
Nauseating Inspirational Bullshit From Facebook … a tumblr collecting annoying inspirational quotes from Facebook. 
2 November 2014
[tags: Funny][ permalink][ Comments Off on Wile E. Coyote’s Business Card]
28 October 2014
[funny] Sacha Baron Cohen tipped for Emmys for tragi-comedy character ‘Russell Brand’ … ‘One independently minded Guardian book reviewer aside, the entire staff of both The Guardian and the BBC were taken in by the Russell Brand character. He was granted audiences with news editors, publishers and TV producers. His opinion was sought out by Parliamentary Select Committees and quangos set up to combat drug addiction and over crowding in prisons. He regularly held court on issues of politics, economics and global warming, with people far more knowledgable and experienced than himself. And yet, incredibly, everyone was taken in.’
20 October 2014
[cthulhu] Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah-nagl fhtagn! 
17 October 2014
[kids] Normal Stages In Child Development … ‘1-3 months: Begins holding grudges and crafting crude effigies. Sudden changes in breathing. Minor shapeshifting. Laughs at the tragically comic. Skin very hot, too hot.’
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13 October 2014
[space] Turds in Spaaaace! … a highlight from the Apollo 10 spaceflight transcript … ‘Give me a napkin quick. There’s a turd floating through the air.’ 
9 October 2014
[tories] Top universities a ‘breeding ground’ for Tories, warn Islamic groups … … ‘The Federation of Student Islamic Societies has identified 40 English universities where there could be a “particular risk” of people being recruited to the youth wing of the UK Conservative Party. National Union of Students president Aaron Porter echoed the concerns raised by Islamic groups. “The problem of conservatism at universities has been apparent for some time, I think we’ve seen a steady increase in incidents on campus,” He said there had been numerous cases of “people wearing barbour jackets”, as well as “hate incidents directed towards the unemployed, the sick and foxes”.’
7 October 2014
[movies] The League of Gentlemen Vs. 2001 … ‘Dave, my wife tells me there is a block in your toilet!’
6 October 2014
[buffy] Ayn Rand’s Buffy The Vampire Slayer … BUFFY: My shoulders are naked and I am drenched in the blood of my enemies. You are my physical and mental equal. I wish to express my respect for you in the physical embodiment of my ideals: the act of love. Let us have sex now.
ANGEL: Buffy, I can’t. You know that if I were to experience even a moment of perfect happiness I would lose my soul.
BUFFY: This sounds like a problem for you, not a problem for me.
ANGEL: I can’t –
BUFFY: We’ll just do me, then. Kneel.
20 September 2014
[politics] Daily Mash: Government Policy To Be Anecdote-Based … ‘Some of the anecdotes we’ve gathered are frankly shocking. Apparently there’s a man in Chester who’s signing on but gets a new 52” TV and a massive slap-up curry delivered to his house every day. Yes, every day. Anecdotes have also been helpful in David Cameron’s anti-porn campaign, with one Mumsnet user reporting that her son had stumbled across images of large-breasted milfs after typing ‘GCSE revision guides’ into Google.’
9 September 2014
[crime] Police vow to stop Jack the Ripper before he kills again … ‘The investigation has so far interrogated 180,000 suspects, 140,000 of them black, 20,000 Polish, two Frenchman and the Duke of Clarence.’
26 August 2014
[dawkins] Richard Dawkins’ Apology Generator … handy tool for when the evolutionary biologist offends large sections of the public … ‘If you transcended human emotion you’d know that you are delusional.’
11 August 2014
[life] Britain On Instagram Vs. Britain In Real Life … amusing comparison of pictures of Britain on Instagram with real life.
9 August 2014
[comics] Miliband to show Obama his 2000AD collection … an important question – which world leaders are Squaxx dek Thargo? … Miliband said: “Barack Obama looks as though he would definitely have been part of my gang at school, The League of Zarjaz Earthlets.
“I may even detach the Space Spinner free gift from issue one for some light-hearted yet reverent fun.”
8 August 2014
[blogs] A Brief History of Bloggering … Giles Turnbull reports on the early days of blogs … ‘In the UK, the blogging scene began in London. Greg Fisher remembers it well. “I was blogging about the break-up of my first, second, and third relationships,” he says. Greg’s blog was a huge hit. He had over five regular readers, two of them via RSS. This was a huge success by British standards at the time. By any standards, actually. He couldn’t believe his good fortune.’
31 July 2014
[life] Love in the Key of Partridge … trying to find love – using only the words of Alan Partridge. 
[tags: Funny, Life, TV][ permalink][ Comments Off on Dating Today… Using Only The Words Of Alan Partridge]
29 July 2014
[religion] More Engaging Copy for the Ten Commandments. … ’37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses.’
13 July 2014
[movies] A Whole Bunch Of People On Facebook Thought Steven Spielberg Killed A Real Dinosaur … ‘Internet humourist Jay Branscomb posted it on Facebook with the caption: “Disgraceful photo of recreational hunter happily posing next to a triceratops he just slaughtered. Please share so the world can name and shame this despicable man.” A lot of people didn’t get the joke, and thought Spielberg really had shot a dinosaur. This person called him an “inhumane prick”…’
8 July 2014
[people] How’s H.P. Lovecraft’s lovelife? … ‘Her arms and legs bend in both directions so you can’t see if she’s facing you.’
1 July 2014
[religion] Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again … ‘Andrew Neel was exasperated to learn Thursday that the bedtime story his mother would be reading him was once again from the fucking Bible, sources confirmed. “Oh, please no, not another one of these,” Neel reportedly said to himself upon hearing his mother begin telling yet another tale about shepherds, adding that he’s listened to the account of that little shit Zacchaeus probably a hundred fucking times now and that he just wants to hear a regular goddamn bedtime story with a talking frog or a modern kid who maybe has some sort of magical adventure, even if it’s Amelia fucking Bedelia.’
[tags: Funny, Life][ permalink][ Comments Off on The Onion: Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again]
4 June 2014
[shops] Britain’s Soulless And Generic High Streets Under Threat … ‘Chef Carolyn Ryan said: “It’s terrifying to think that unless we act fast, our children will never know a world of mobile phone shops, Greggs and Clinton Cards.”
[tags: Funny, Life][ permalink][ Comments Off on Britain’s Soulless And Generic High Streets Under Threat — Daily Mash]
27 May 2014
[people] If Danny Dyer’s Tweets Were Motivational Posters … ‘Embrace your insecurities and contradictions… don’t let em drown the fuck out of ya…’
25 May 2014
[comics] MAD #21: Cover by Harvey Kurtzman (1955) … an incredibly dense cover of comic novelty ads … ‘It is one of the most glorious and ludicrous covers in comic book history.’
[tags: Comics, Funny][ permalink][ Comments Off on ‘It is one of the most glorious and ludicrous covers in comic book history.’]
24 May 2014
[lovecraft] Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added To Curriculum “Fools!” said West, his clenched fist striking the lectern before him. “We must prepare today’s youth for a world whose terrors are etched upon ancient clay tablets recounting the fever-dreams of the other gods-not fill their heads with such trivia as math and English. Our graduates need to know about those who lie beneath the earth, waiting until the stars align so they can return to their rightful place as our masters and wage war against the Elder Things and the shoggoths!”
4 May 2014
[funny] Pope Francis Pursues Sinner Across Vatican City Rooftops … ‘Reports indicate that the pope lost track of the transgressor against God on top of the Palace of the Canonicate, causing him to pause for several seconds and frantically scan the horizon in all directions before suddenly spying the man on the adjacent roof of the Church of Santa Maria della Pietà , at which point the Bishop of Rome is said to have dashed at full speed to the building’s ledge and leapt the 30-foot gap separating the two structures’
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21 April 2014
[tags: Daily Mail, Funny][ permalink][ Comments Off on “SO NOW GAY IMMIGRANTS CAN COME OVER AND CLAIM OUR BENEFITS WHIST LAUGHING IN THE FACE OF GOD.”]
15 April 2014
[wikipedia] TL;DR Wikipedia … condensed Wikipedia … ‘Ayn Rand was American novelist, best known for developing the philosophy of Objectivism, which apparently states that every college freshmen must get really into Objectivism.’ [via Qwghlm]
9 April 2014
[comics] The Twelve Best Covers Of Superman’s Pal, Jimmy Olsen … ‘If I could own one piece of original comic book art, this would be it. In one image the entire run of Jimmy Olsen, and the entire Silver Age of DC Comics is encapsulated. The caption on the cover proclaims Jimmy Olsen to be “The Red-Headed Beatle of 1,000 B.C.!” and the screaming girls reinforce it. Everything about this cover is great, but the best bit is Superman declaring that Jimmy has become as popular as Ringo.’
6 April 2014
[tags: Comics, Funny][ permalink][ Comments Off on Superhero Dancing GIFs – “That Rhythm Is Infectious!”]
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