[sex toy] The Furby Hooker Network… ‘Furby Hookers can communicate with each other! Through infra-red “eyes” they can transmit messages to one another. This means that if you’re good in bed, all the Furby Hookers in the neighborhood will know it. THEY’LL BE FLOCKING TO YOUR DOOR WANTING TO SLEEP WITH YOU!’

[cock] Flame of the week over at the Register: ‘And quit writing the word “cock” on every page of the register! It makes you sound like peanut eating jizz mopers! It’s bad enough that you write about lesbian disabled porn in between mastubatory frenzies, but having cock thrust upon each page is disgusting!’

[nose] For anybody who comes to LMG for pictures of Danniela Westbrooke’s Nose: Gak Attack. ‘It’s class A Entertainment’

[meme] Yet another Whassssupppp! parody… Ayuuuupppp! ‘Watching footie, supping some ale.’ [via Frownland]

[questions] Paul Kaye (Dennis Pennis) answers the Guardian Questionnaire. ‘What is your favourite building? Karnak’s Temple, Luxor. Maybe it was the heat, but when I went there I found myself in this little antechamber and was overcome with visions of Egyptian orgies. I masturbated swiftly wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a camera around my neck – which just goes to prove that all tourists are wankers.’

[politics] Bill Clinton’s Final Days… The Onion reports — Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’ ‘Bush swore to do “everything in [his] power” to undo the damage wrought by Clinton’s two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street. During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.’

[film] Dammit, Dave — David Mamet writes 2001… ‘Hal: Dave. Look. Bowman: You’re not going to… Hal: What? Open the doors? No. No I am not. Bowman: Well, fuck me, Hal. Hal: Yes. Fuck you. Because I’ll tell you something. Trust. There is a bond of trust between an astronaut and his computer. Is there not? And when that trust is broken… Bowman: Excuse me?’ [via the Warren Ellis Forum]

[nude] Nudist ‘not a public nuisance’ — BBC News reports on a campaigner for nudism who was cleared of being a public nuisance. ‘As soon as he heard the verdict at Southwark Crown Court Mr Bethell – wearing nothing but a beard – shouted: “Being human is not a crime”. But Judge George Bathurst-Norman warned him: “I would not go away too much with that idea.’

[music] Eminem Vs Bob The Builder. :) ‘Then I got an email from Tim Ireland (hello Tim) who put one of those dangerous propositions to me; What would happen if Bob took on Eminem in a full on 12 round musical punch up ? Well, armed only with a copy of a computer program called ACID and several cans of bitter I set about the task of sellotaping the two contenders together and a couple of hours later the job was done.’

[memes come together?] Tell me… am I CLAIRE SWIRE or NOT?

[politics] ‘NOBODY expects the Liberal Elite! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless efficiency…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…. Our *four*…no… *Amongst* our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.’ [Related Links: The Spanish Inquisition – Monty Python]

[music] Oops! Slim Shady Did It Again. Enimen’s Slim Shady to the tune of Oops! I did it again.

[666] I’m wondering… Does the devil have the best web designers? Church of Satan vs. Church of England.

[savile] Morrisey Investigates… Jimmy Saville. ‘The first recorded instance of this charming man Jimmy Saville was in 1765 when the local minister of the small village of Piddletrenthide in Dorset recorded ” a man claiming witchcraft” who said he could make all our dreams come true. He proceeded to light up a magic stick in his mouth – he called this witchcraft a “cigar” then gave each of us badges reading “Jim Hath Fixed It For Me?” We naturally tried to burn him at the stake but he managed to flee before we could catch him. It seems certain that this was Saville.’

[it must be love] BT’s lastest banner ad for ISDN. ‘If we can still monopolise it, we can still be cack at it.’

[quote] The Wisdom of Steve Aylett: ‘One golfer a year is hit by lightning. This may be the only evidence we have of god’s existence.’

[politics] Why I am Eating all the Pies by Chancellor Gordon Brown, MP. ‘I have eaten all the pies. Or rather, I have eaten as many pies as one man can safely eat. The other pies I am saving for later on, in my freezer. To the uneducated man, this may seem greedy. But I can assure you it is not. It is, in fact, essential to the well-being of Britain that I eat as many pies as possible.’ [via Interconnected]

[savile?] Bella wonders if it’s Savile or Saville… and so do I. The answer from Google: “Jimmy Savile” – 390 Vs. “Jimmy Saville” – 1180.

[celebs] A list of the Top 50 Celebrities of the 20th Century. Unsurprisingly Keith Chegwin is number one… ‘Hyperactive television presenter, whose finest moment was undoubtedly “Cheggers Plays Pop”, the seminal 1980s quiz show aimed at children. Cheggers would question several obnoxious kids, who were split into teams – a typical question would be “Which member of Spandau Ballet hibernates during the winter?” to which the correct answer is, of course, vocalist Tony Handley.’

[weblogs] Metafilter blogs the satellite image of Selhurst Park… and someone points out that the image of the football field is probably Jakob Nielsen… ‘But does Jesus support Crystal Palace or Wimbledon?’ — Holgate.

[picture] Satellite image of Selhurst Park football ground reveals image of Christ!

[sooty sex] The Nutlog provides a link to another of the staples of my childhood being defiled: The Karma-Sooty. Sooty does… Bestiality! Tantric! Bagism?! 69!

[comics] The greatest ever comic scandal: Photographic proof that Grant Morrison is Alan Moore! [Related Links: grant-morrison.com, TimeMachineGo]

[mobiles] Nishlord provides an exciting new service for self-important people with mobile phones. ‘NISHLORD.COM’s WAP (or whatever the fuck it’s called this week) service is different. It actually gives mobile phone users the information they need – a constant reminder of what an annoying cunt they really are. Whenever the moment arises, a vital message informing you that no-one, absolutely no-one, is the slightest bit interested in what you have to say, ever, will flash up.’ [via Meg— sorta]

[tv] Blue Peter and Hunter S. Thompson. Stand back. Do not not mix. ‘…who is this, for Christ sakes? Fucker calls himself Groom. Looks like I’m minding the fucking baby today, I figure, well, may as well keep any possible conflict down to a minimum, after all I’m desperate enough to take this faggot job in the first place, I can’t afford another fuck up. Straight away, while the Freak’s talking some crap at me, I notice this damn idiot child badge on his fucking nylon shirt. I don’t like to ask what kind of freakin’ remedial school talisman that is. Probably just some warning badge for the good honest middle class folks to know to KEEP THE FUCK AWAY, MENTALLY DEFICIENT GIANT FREAK APPROACHING. One look back up to his dead-ass eyes. I shiver, and it ain’t the half dozen ‘Ludes I’d picked up in St. Paul’s the moment I came to this damn limey wasteland to steady my nerves. There’s evil in this bitch, I would swear on my fucking mother’s life.’

[politics] Picking on ugly people is not funny… unless they are British MP’s. [Related Links: The Ann Widdecombe Shrine]

[file under WTF?] Came here searching for Scooby Porn? Check it out… LMG has high quality Buffy / Scooby-Doo fan-fiction porn links just for you! ‘Velma grinned at Daphne as she pulled her close for a kiss. Daphne wrapped her arms around Velma’s neck and moaned. Velma moved her kisses down to Daphne’s breasts as Daphne’s right hand moved between her legs to caress her clit. Velma moaned and opened her mouth to enclose Daphne’s breast. With her left hand, Daphne reached for the jar of peaches on the nightstand. She removed her hand long enough to open the jar, and Velma whimpered at her loss. Buffy turned to see Xander completely engrossed in the video. Funny, but watching naked cartoons roll around in bed together had given him an erection.’ [Related Links: Disturbing Search Requests]

[overheard] “I’ve seen bigger breasts on a pizza.” WTF?

[swearing] How to swear in foreign languages ‘No Skuche ala Gats!’ [via Bugpowder]

[music] I Hate Music on Radiohead’s Kid A: ‘Some of you readers may have noticed that Radiohead have got a new record coming out. Goodness knows how, there’s barely been a mention of it on the web or in the music press after all. Oh, wait, excuse me while I utter a weak consumptive laugh and spit bloody bile into a handkerchief. Judging by the ever-growing shitstorm of expectations and expectorations around Kid Arse, you’d have thought a second moon had been seen in the sky and Thom Yorke, pinch-faced poster boy for self-pitying prigs the world over, had been the first man to walk on it.’

[saville] Jimmy Saville is Dead — according to Chris Morris. [Requires Sound] ‘The majority if not all of them are extremely relieved that he is now dead although I suspect that some of them will be sorry that he didn’t suffer a great deal more.’ [Related Links: rethink’s Chris Morris Guff]

[mugshots] The G-Files present a Celebrity Mug Shot Gallery… ‘Like anyone else charged with a crime, celebrities must be photographed by police after being arrested, and those images then become a matter of public record.’

[jack chick] This Was Your Life! Vs. This Is Your Death. [Related Links: Chick Publications, Jack T. Chick Parody Archive]

[frank Butcher mp3] This made my day: My Name is… Frank Butcher! [via Bloglet, Related Link: Frank Butcher’s Philosophical Car Lot]

[net] Guardian Unlimited covers the paratrooper who was sacked for looking at too many dull websites. ‘Jim was dismissed by his employers for excessive use of the internet when he was supposed to be working. Our best point is that Jim, unlike I suspect most bored surfers, was not looking at hotchicks.com or pussytown.com or any other sort of porn. Jim was looking at some very dull stuff. I’ve seen the logs. Jim spent over an hour looking at avocado recipes on one occasion. At other times he conducted searches on: his mother’s maiden name, various cricket players [and] verrucas.’

[weblogs] Linus, Bill and Steve have an amusing Newbie Blog Chat… ‘BillGates34: My blog is named Blog O’ Bill, in case you guys wanna link me. It’s an acronym…..B.O.B. ….it spells Bob. A guy’s name. Cool, eh? SteveJobsMac: Um….yeah, Einstein. Real cool. Except that your name isn’t Bob. Correct me if I’m wrong. BillGates34: Sheeesh…it’s just a joke. Lighten up, dude. Hey…what browsers do you guys use? I use IE :) LinusTorvalds69: DUH!! SteveJobsMac: DUH!!’

[referer log] Looking for Charlie Dimmock naked? I can’t help you… but the BBC does has some naked Gardeners’ Question Time action right here…

[adrian mole redux] Must…. not…. blog… Adrian Mole… ‘It’s time I found a sexual partner: a non-neurotic, childless, non-smoking, beautiful woman who enjoys literature, spotting Eddie Stobart lorries and housework would be ideal. Is it too much to ask that I should be allowed a little happiness?’

[i have a cunning plan…] BBC News reports on a film about a sneaky Argentine filmaker who visits the Falklands Islands whilst trying to impregnate as many locals as possible in a inspired mission to retake the islands by love not war… the film is course called Fuckland. ‘So how hard would it be for another Argentine to find a date on the island? Las chicas en la isla no abundan, he says on the Web site, meaning that there’s not exactly a cornucopia of willing girls to begin with, and that the British military base there holds about 1,000 troops. ‘It’s terrible when you consider your competition,” Stratas says. Now you’re warned.’ [Related Link: Covert Operations in the Falklands: No Guns, Just Three Digital Cameras ]

[funny] Things that made me laugh recently: Unnovations Baker’s Hat, Scooter Health Warning, O’Really Userguides [all three via NTK], and A Moving Tribute to Joey Deacon [via notsosoft]

[chris morris] Second Class Male and Time To Go. Hoax columns published in The Observer about a year ago from Chris Morris. ‘Not for publication: You have made me too depressed to write. Unlike the great melancholics – Baudelaire, Beethoven – I have no genius from which to draw consolation. I am at best a Brian Wilson, but a Brian Wilson who went to bed before making Pet Sounds. Fuck you all.’

[saville] plasticbag.org covers the the whole Saville hoax transcript meme… [#1] [#2] ‘Anyway. Such a document is clearly legally dubious at best, and since there is no evidence attached to the e-mail, it would seem logical to try to assume that it is entirely spurious as well. (In which case, of course, you would be talking vast potential libel damages.) But the strange thing about this particular meme is that most people who received the letter in question (including me – and I consider to be extremely cynical about chain e-mail) thought it to be at least plausible.’ [Interesting fact: If you type “Saville Hoax” into Google the first item you get up is a directory entry on Chris Morris. Hmmm….]

[savile meme hoax] Excellent, compelling reading — a HOAX transcript of out-takes from Have I Got News For You between Ian Hislop, Jimmy Savile and Paul Merton. If only it were true… [Related Links: Hoax Confirmation, Tsluts, the Savile meme spreads]

[adrian mole] Adrian Mole on Nick Bateman: ‘I have been brutally betrayed! I feel humiliated and sick! How could he have told such terrible lies to me over the past five weeks? I admired him so much. He was the type of man I would have liked to have been myself. He was a man who could cope with adversity (the death of his young wife in a car crash). A man who led other men (an officer in the Territorial Army). He was also a healer (like Jesus), and a reiki master to boot.’

[america] Oh dear… Polly Toynbee gets a shower of Hate mail from the US… ‘You are nothing but an intolerant American-hating bigot. You can’t stand the fact that America is so rich and powerful while you live in a pathetic third-rate country that is of no significance at all. I see no reason why America should pay any attention to the whining, pissing, shitting, moaning and groaning of a bunch of idiots like you. The rest of the world has no right to expect us to share our wealth with it. It is our money, not the world’s. Bush will win in November. I hope when he wins you have a stroke and it kills you and all your fellow Eurotrash die from shock as well. America Uber Alles! Fuck the world!!’

[jesus loves you] Good Lord! Christian sandals with Jesus Loves You written on the soles! “As I was thinking of more ways to reinforce goodness, God instructed me to cut out an old inner tube and glue the letters SUSEJ SEVOL UOY backwards onto the bottoms of sandals. When I was finished, it was raining. I walked outside and up onto a dry wooden deck and left JESUS LOVES YOU all over the deck. It was awesome, and I knew this was a wonderful new way to spread the good news.” [via ChrisH]

[chegwin porn!] My referrer logs tell me that many people come to LMG to look for naked pictures of Keith Chegwin… which always makes me laugh. Apparently he’s refusing all requests to show clips from the gameshow he appeared nude in again and according to BBC News a video of the program is about to be released which he will make a hefty profit from. LMG will link to the video as soon as it’s available. :) [Related Links: Channel 5 criticised in Commons, Original LMG posting, Original notsosoft posting]

[god is dead] Guardian Passnotes profiles Friedrich Nietzsche. ‘Didn’t he love his fellow man? No: “Many too many are born. The state was devised for the superfluous ones.” Didn’t he regard women highly? No: “Goest thou to woman? Forget not thy whip.”‘

[adrian mole] Adrian Mole is the best thing about the Guardian on a Saturday… ‘Ivan went on saying to my mother, “This is an authentic working-class experience, isn’t it, Pauline?” His eyes were shining with excitement. He is turned on by vulgarity. It is why he fell in love and married my mother. My mother drew heavily on her St Moritz menthol fag with the gold-rimmed filter and said, “Ivan, I’m no longer working class. I read the Guardian and buy coffee beans now, or hadn’t you noticed?”‘

[young william] A Guardian reporter follows in William Hague’s footsteps around Rotherham attempting to drink 14 pints in the process. Not surprisingly he gets a little drunk… ‘”He was in my class at Wath Comprehensive and he was a prat even then,” says Sharon, when the incredulous laughter finally subsides. “A prat. The first week of school, he stood in front of the class – nobody else did this – and his mum was standing beside him, and he said, ‘I would like to introduce myself. My name is William Hague and I’m looking forward to being at school with you all.’ I never slept with him,” she adds, as if it would have been only natural to have wondered. “He’s trying to be a Rotherham man,” says Liz, “and all Rotherham men drink a lot.” It is becoming increasingly clear that I’m never going to pass for a Rotherham man.’